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| You're my Sweet Handsome Valentine |
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| You are my Barack Obama. Happy Valentine's Day |
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| Your gene pool rocks. Happy Valentine's Day. |
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| You always say I never do anything for you but I just hit send. Happy Valentine's Day. |
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| My Valentine, my world revolves around you. I love you madly. P.S. This does not violate the restraining order. |
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| Since you never shut up, this is the only way I can say "I love you." |
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| I love you now, as I did then, always and forever. Sorry my ass is drooping. |
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| I wish I could shrink the entire Earth so that you’d be at my side this moment. Plus, we’d kill billions of assholes. |
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| Tonight when we're doing it, I'm going to close my eyes and think of you. Happy Valentine's Day. |
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| Sometimes we make love with our eyes. But getting the condoms on almost makes it not worth it. Happy Valentine's Day. |
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| I love you now, tomorrow, and today, and if God gives me the time, I'll buy you something at Costco. |
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| I love how okay you are with the fact that all I'm giving you is a cynical e-card. Happy Valentine's Day. |
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